Openings & Closures

I've been distracted from this blog by many things lately-- a surfeit of choices urging life changes, and requiring me to make decisions: something I've never been great at. Every option has it's pros and cons, its potential benefits and fallouts.

I'm in a pleroma, of sorts-- all is possibility, nothing is concrete. No path through the woods has appeared. . . everything is hint and glimmer. By all accounts, this should be a highly creative time-- a dreaming time, a time when the future is being seeded by the collusion of seemingly random events and impulses.

I keep sort of vaguely waiting for certainty to set in--to wake up knowing what I have to do. It hasn't happened yet. Instead, I vascillate widly. In the morning I am convinced of one thing, and by evening, another holds sway.

It is absolutely a blessing to have options, choices, potentials to play with--and I wouldn't trade it for anything. But being in an undecided state can be paralyzing as well. There are so many factors to assess I could sit still for years just picking through the nuance.

Ultimately, it's going to come down to me making a firm decision and just pursuing that course of action with everything that I've got. Focus. Times of focus can be extremely creative, too-- in fact, when we narrow our field of vision, we can actually accomplish great things, contrary to that common artistic banality: "stay open, stay open."

The whole "stay open" platitude is misleading. Sometimes you really do have to shut out the rest of the world and follow your own, unilateral vision, however selfish or foolhardy this may seem. The world will bait you into doing it's bidding, if you let it. It's important to check ourselves every so often to make sure that it really is our own values we are living by and working for, our own goals we are pursuing. To do otherwise is to remain on autopilot, asleep at the wheel.

There is a lot to be said for stability, but there is also much to be said for flux.

I'm trying to keep my eyes open in the midst of flux, watching for an exit--a clearly marked road leading to the cottage hidden deep in the forest, so that I may hunker down into a little stability. For a spell. And then the flux will come on again. . . it always does. Inevitable as spring.

However, in the process of all this decision making and priority setting, it has begun to come clear to me that some things really are deeply innate with us, and others are situational.

One of the decisions I have to make involves whether or not to continue pursuing my career as a writer. . . .ooooof. Part of me always hinges on giving it up, which some would claim is a sure sign that I am not a real writer, after all. No real writer would ever debate giving it up.

Well, ha. Ha, ha, ha. If I weren't one, there would be nothing to give up in the first place, would there? So you see.....

But "things" keep happening that remind me of who I am, and of the path I should take if I am to remain true to myself.

For instance, one of the big issues on my artistic journey has been "poetry vs. practicality", or "creative thought vs. business".

Last night, at a gala I was attending, a very respected politician began quoting poetry as something that had guided him through the darkest hours of his life. I was there because of a work obligation (and work has been consuming so much of my time lately, poetry has fallen by the wayside...) It certainly jogged my thinking.... so much to consider....

I am going to do my level best to keep this blog interesting and up to date, but for now, I am totally in the pleroma. . . .sifting through the darkness, trying to imagine the appearance of a road. In the end, I will have to clear a path myself. But first I have to imagine a destination.

And then focus.

I promise that as that happens, this blog will get more intense, and more interesting as well.